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BIG NEWS: I’ve Been Selected On “Journey To Mars” Program !! April 1, 2018

Posted by Richard Foote in April Fools.



After many months of nervous waiting, knowing that my chances were extremely slim at best, I have just received my confirmation letter from NASA saying that I’ve been one of the lucky ones selected to participate in the “Journey To Mars” program !! I’m soooo damn excited !!!

Planning is now under way for what will be one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life, a one-way trip to the Mars. I now have to stay in peak physical condition and be prepared to follow NASA’s very strict diet program. Lots of fruit and veg, a high protein intake and no more than 5 whiskies per week (If Crystal Palace ever win a game, that limit might stretch a tad). It’ll be tough, but I’m sure the motivation of the adventures that lie ahead will ensure I keep peak physical condition.

Really, I will only miss my beautiful wife, my 2 wonderful children and all my many friends. I’m allowed to take with me a few photos that I will cherish forever. On the plus side, my wife is rather excited about selling off my extensive David Bowie collection and spending the proceeds on some nice clothes to wear at the launch.

I have always dreamed of flying in space and viewing the Earth from above. But to be given this opportunity to be one of the first humans to actually set foot on another planet, well that’s just going to be truly incredible. Foote one of the first to set foot on Mars (doesn’t that sound apt), what an incredible piece of history and what an honour to be immortalised in this manner.

Life will of course be very tough on Mars. Not much human interaction (oh God, please make my fellow space explorers be semi attractive and intelligent), no more whiskey (except the few bottles I smuggle on board in water bottles), no more Crystal Palace (if they make Europe while I’m away, I’ll be really pissed), no more twitter (I’ll miss baiting all the US gun loving nut jobs) and no more Game of Thrones (who am I kidding, there’s no way George R. R. Martin will finish book 7 within the next 20 years). The thought of drinking my recycled urine for the rest of my life is rather daunting, but not too different to Johnnie Walker Reds really.

For those of you that know of my hatred of guns, this is one of the huge advantages of leaving Earth and moving to Mars. It has been mandated that there are to be no weapons of any kind to be taken of board. If anyone wants to repel any future corrupt government via an armed militia, then they can do so with sharpen pencils and ballpoint pens. Of course, if there are really any hostile aliens on Mars, we’re all stuffed.

Oracle is another advantage to moving to Mars. They don’t have a Cloud Data Centre on Mars and will likely not have one for quite some time. So no concerns about migrating to the cloud, autonomous databases and all that stuff. The mission database I’ll be responsible for will be on-prem (well, on spaceship and then on Mars but you get my point). So no versions of Oracle Database that disappear on me with little notice, but I do worry about having to raise an SR from Mars. Then again, considering the timeliness of Oracle Support these days, I’m hopeful it won’t make too much of a difference.

Of course, life just hasn’t been the same since the passing of the great David Bowie. I’ll be allowed to take my solar powered iPod with me so his music will still be with me. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if he really has moved on to Mars and I get the opportunity to see him play live again with the Spiders From Mars. I have my fingers crossed on that one.

Let me just say there’s a huge advantage to living on Mars that many don’t appreciate. A year on Mars is approximately 687 days so that means it’s roughly twice as long as a year here on Earth. Therefore, while you poor buggers on Earth age say 30 years, I will only age about 15 Mars years. If I can just hold on for anorther 50 odd years, it means that I will be theoretically younger than my own children and will be able ask them for pocket money and if I can borrow their car (tricky I know from Mars, but it’s the principle that matters).

So in a few brief years, I will be leaving this planet for good and setting up a new home and future on the planet Mars. Yes it will be a little scary, yes it will be extremely difficult and dangerous and yes I will miss many family members and friends who I will never see again. I will though be posting on my blog here with similar regularity, so don’t worry too much 🙂